im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
