I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
