last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
