Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
