youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
