I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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