I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it's like iHOP with fire
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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