I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This is the high leading the old right now
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
