somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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