I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
