I wanna passion pit in your ass
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
