I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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