I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
