This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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