im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
