Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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