my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
