God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
