I think i sorta joined a cult last night
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
