If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
