he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I am available for nakedness
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