i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
