When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
is that a dick in a sweater?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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