i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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