was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
