even my farts smell like vagina
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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