You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
