Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
