escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize