ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
