I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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