Why are handjobs necessary in class?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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