i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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