6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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