He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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