i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
