I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
