I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
