Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
