if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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