So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
