I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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