Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
