On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
