i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
