we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
