Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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