two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
