I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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