You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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