I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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