I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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