You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
