Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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