So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
