my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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