It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
